One of Our Mullets is Missing February 15, 2002: Canadian guitar instrumentalist Art Turner has cut his hair. In a move sure to finally divert national media attention from "Skategate," a man identified only as "a prominent Winnipeg Stylist" announced yesterday that, in a short ceremony last Friday, he indeed harvested the guitarist's controversial "mullet" with a stone knife under a full moon. "It was just a regular pair of scissors," says Turner. "And there was no moon, just one of those funky halogen lamps the salons have." When asked what prompted the decision, Turner dismissed accusations that he trimmed the famous "do" because too many people were making fun of him, calling out, "Hey, Joe Dirt!" &endash; that sort of thing. "The hairstyle had simply run its course," said Turner. "I'd heard Sam Baardman was going to cut his, and I didn't want to be an also-ran, so I took the bull by the horns." Or the mullet, as the case may be. A reliable source close to Turner's independent music label, Redtail Records, said the mullet is gone from Turner's head, but not from the hearts and minds of the people. In a shocking revelation, he claims the actual mullet was saved in a cryogenic storage container, then sold on e-bay for an undisclosed amount rumoured to be in the six-figure range. The money will be go to a Musician's Health Centre dedicated to rehabilitating hair-related emotional injuries. But symphony players need not apply, says Turner, an official showcase artist at both the 2001 North American Folk Alliance and the 2001 Ontario Council of Folk Festivals Conference. "Let them eat cake," he says. "Plus, most of them have pretty normal hairstyles anyway. Or hairpieces." When asked if the radical change in coiff might hurt his chances of getting booked for a whole schwack of music festivals this summer, Turner seemed more nonplussed than gobsmacked. "Well, Dawson City has already come through, but they're in the Yukon, and folks just aren't as uptight up there. And anyway, I look way more like Tom Cruise now, so that should be a draw." One can only hope.   Mullet Fears February 17, 2002: In a disturbing development in the Art Turner de-mulleting story, it appears that it was not, as previously thought, Tom Cruise's "people" who bought the Canadian guitarist's mullet on e-bay (presumably to fashion a wig for Cruise to be used in the upcoming CBS docudrama: Art Turner: Mullet on a Mission), but a mysterious dark figure identifying himself only as Evil Sassoon. Unnamed sources say Sassoon's sinister machinations do not stop at the twisted acquisition of Turner's locks, and that, in fact, Canadian folk icons Sam Baardman and James Keelaghan may well be in danger of being involuntarily shorn for purposes unknown. While the true identity of Evil Sassoon remains elusive, FBI and CSIS profilers suspect the culprit is "likely a member of the Canadian Folk/Roots community," and may have "long-standing hair issues." An RCMP spokesperson would only offer that they "are questioning a couple of individuals right now." Popular Canadian singer-songwriters Mark Reeves and Don Bray could not be reached for comment.